WEBVTT 00:00:00.480 --> 00:00:06.160 Being alone can be hard sometimes. If you're out there and you're like, well, being alone isn't that hard for me. I don't mean 00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:07.600 being alone 00:00:07.680 --> 00:00:11.680 and watching Netflix or scrolling on your phone 00:00:11.920 --> 00:00:14.000 or any of that. I mean 00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:15.040 being alone, 00:00:15.785 --> 00:00:17.145 100% 00:00:17.145 --> 00:00:20.105 alone with no external stimulation. 00:00:20.745 --> 00:00:24.585 Is that kinda tough for you? Because for most people that I talk to, it's 00:00:24.825 --> 00:00:26.265 almost unbearable. 00:00:26.425 --> 00:00:34.190 And the reason why is couple reasons why. Number one, we're tribal beings. We like to be around other people. It's built into us, and we like socializing. 00:00:34.190 --> 00:00:43.630 For people who are introverts like me, we like socializing less than the average person, but we still like it at some points in time. And we also like to be entertained, 00:00:44.195 --> 00:00:46.035 But the statistics 00:00:46.035 --> 00:00:51.315 prove that the older that you get, the more time you will spend alone. 00:00:51.715 --> 00:00:55.795 And so if that's the case, we might as well learn from it. We might as well gain 00:00:56.110 --> 00:00:56.750 from 00:00:56.990 --> 00:00:59.310 and get something from being alone. 00:00:59.630 --> 00:01:03.070 But here's the truth of the matter. Being alone 00:01:03.150 --> 00:01:06.510 doesn't mean that you have to be lonely, 00:01:06.910 --> 00:01:12.845 and the key here is how you actually look at it and how you actually frame it. If you can shift your mindset, 00:01:13.405 --> 00:01:14.445 solitude 00:01:14.445 --> 00:01:16.045 will become an opportunity 00:01:16.125 --> 00:01:19.565 rather than some form of a burden that you need to avoid. 00:01:20.045 --> 00:01:30.540 And this isn't like surface level self care tips or anything like that. We're gonna be diving deep into the psychology of this, the rewiring of your thought patterns, 00:01:30.860 --> 00:01:35.980 and the the real transformation that can happen when you fully embrace 00:01:35.980 --> 00:01:41.865 being alone within yourself without having to have anybody around or any external stimulation. 00:01:42.265 --> 00:01:44.265 And so when you look at loneliness, 00:01:44.585 --> 00:01:45.705 it's the pain 00:01:45.945 --> 00:01:48.025 of feeling disconnected. 00:01:48.665 --> 00:01:55.300 Solitude on the other side is the power of being deeply connected to yourself when you're alone. 00:01:55.700 --> 00:02:15.915 And so the the only home that we will ever really have, like this is a you know, I live inside of a house. This is a studio that I have in one of the rooms in my house. This is my house, but the only true real home that I will ever have is inside of me. And same with you, the only real home that you'll ever have is within you. 00:02:16.395 --> 00:02:21.275 The problem is that many of us mix the two of them up between solitude 00:02:21.275 --> 00:02:24.075 and loneliness. We assume that if we're alone, 00:02:24.475 --> 00:02:25.595 something must be wrong. 00:02:26.550 --> 00:02:33.110 And when we have FOMO or we think why are people not wanting to hang out with me or I should entertain myself in some sort of way. 00:02:33.430 --> 00:02:37.110 But I want you to think about it like this. Okay? And this is very important for you to understand. 00:02:37.270 --> 00:02:38.390 Being alone 00:02:38.710 --> 00:02:39.910 is a state of being. 00:02:40.835 --> 00:02:41.795 Loneliness 00:02:41.795 --> 00:02:43.395 is a state of mind. 00:02:44.595 --> 00:02:48.515 See the difference? Being alone is just a state of being. I'm just alone. 00:02:48.835 --> 00:02:49.715 Loneliness 00:02:49.715 --> 00:02:56.780 is a state of mind. Oh my gosh. I shouldn't be alone. I should be with people. Why don't people wanna hang out with me? The state of mind, it's all happening in your head. 00:02:57.420 --> 00:03:02.380 And so the shift really starts here. Loneliness is is the idea of saying, 00:03:02.780 --> 00:03:03.980 I'm missing something. 00:03:04.860 --> 00:03:05.900 Solitude 00:03:06.220 --> 00:03:08.940 says, I have everything I need within me. 00:03:09.885 --> 00:03:10.525 Now 00:03:10.685 --> 00:03:19.565 I know for some of you that's already a little bit stressful. I but I don't have Rob, I don't have everything I need within me though. I need more within me. I'm I'm not okay within myself. 00:03:20.125 --> 00:03:31.520 Solitude is us getting to the point of saying, I have everything I need within me. Everything I decide to do later on in life, if I decide to leave my house and go hang out with friends, it's just icing on the cake. 00:03:31.920 --> 00:03:33.600 And we will be right back. 00:03:34.240 --> 00:03:56.020 Hey. If you're still watching this video, you're the type of person who wants to learn and grow and improve yourself. Do me a favor. Check below and see if you have subscribed to this channel. If you have not, do me a favor. Hit that subscribe button so that you and I can go on this journey of self improvement and making your life better. So if you would subscribe to me, I would appreciate it. And now back to the show. And so psychological research 00:03:56.020 --> 00:04:02.500 supports this distinction too. There was a study done in 2017 that was that was published in personality and psychology 00:04:02.500 --> 00:04:03.460 bulletin 00:04:03.540 --> 00:04:05.460 that found that people who chose 00:04:05.700 --> 00:04:07.300 to spend time alone 00:04:07.805 --> 00:04:10.765 rather than feeling like they were forced into isolation 00:04:10.845 --> 00:04:19.325 experienced increased self awareness, so they became more aware of themselves because of the fact that they spent time alone. They chose to spend time alone, 00:04:19.565 --> 00:04:20.925 and they had reduced stress. 00:04:22.060 --> 00:04:23.820 Why do they have reduced stress? 00:04:24.140 --> 00:04:27.180 Because when solitude is framed as a choice 00:04:27.500 --> 00:04:30.060 rather than forced isolation, 00:04:30.220 --> 00:04:32.700 it becomes a tool for self regulation 00:04:32.940 --> 00:04:35.180 rather than a source of distress. 00:04:35.660 --> 00:04:39.445 And so the key factor here was the mindset behind the person. 00:04:40.085 --> 00:04:43.765 What they found out was those who saw solitude 00:04:43.765 --> 00:04:45.045 as a choice 00:04:45.285 --> 00:04:46.725 benefited from it, 00:04:47.445 --> 00:04:52.805 while those who felt like solitude and being alone was imposed on them felt lonely. 00:04:53.790 --> 00:04:55.950 And so how do you shift your mindset 00:04:56.030 --> 00:04:58.430 from loneliness to solitude? 00:04:58.830 --> 00:05:03.790 Well, it's by realizing that your mind is the thing that creates the difference between the two. 00:05:04.430 --> 00:05:05.070 You see that? 00:05:05.995 --> 00:05:09.915 You don't need more people around you to feel whole. 00:05:10.235 --> 00:05:11.755 You need a stronger 00:05:11.755 --> 00:05:13.355 connection to yourself 00:05:13.355 --> 00:05:14.555 to feel whole. 00:05:15.275 --> 00:05:18.635 And so what we need to do is we need to to kind of reframe 00:05:18.635 --> 00:05:19.435 solitude. 00:05:19.920 --> 00:05:25.520 So I want you to think about this. Imagine that you're you're given a a beautifully wrapped box, 00:05:25.920 --> 00:05:27.040 and you open it up 00:05:27.520 --> 00:05:30.720 and time is inside of it. It's time just for you. 00:05:31.040 --> 00:05:32.240 No demands, 00:05:32.480 --> 00:05:33.200 no children, 00:05:33.665 --> 00:05:34.945 no obligations, 00:05:35.265 --> 00:05:36.225 no work, 00:05:36.545 --> 00:05:40.305 just space to breathe and to think and to exist. 00:05:41.585 --> 00:05:57.780 Doesn't that sound nice for some of you guys that are just so busy doing things all the time, and you got the kids, and you got the work, and you got the business, you got everything, and you have a million plates you're spinning. Oh my god. I'm gonna give you a box of time just for you. No demands, no children, no work, any of those things. Doesn't that sound nice? 00:05:58.420 --> 00:06:00.020 Most people crave this, 00:06:00.500 --> 00:06:04.225 but then when they get it, they freak out. They panic. 00:06:04.305 --> 00:06:07.105 So why is that? Because silence 00:06:07.505 --> 00:06:09.345 makes us face ourselves. 00:06:09.985 --> 00:06:12.865 And for a lot of people, that's really scary. 00:06:13.025 --> 00:06:14.465 There's a 2014 00:06:14.465 --> 00:06:18.385 study from the Journal of Experimental Psychology 00:06:17.640 --> 00:06:25.800 that revealed that most people would rather experience mild electric shocks than sit alone with their thoughts for fifteen minutes. 00:06:26.360 --> 00:06:29.000 So they could either sit alone with their thoughts for fifteen minutes, 00:06:29.320 --> 00:06:35.775 or if they just wanna get out of the experience, they could just do mild electric shock. Most people chose shock. 00:06:35.935 --> 00:06:37.615 That's how uncomfortable 00:06:37.935 --> 00:06:39.615 we are with solitude. 00:06:40.175 --> 00:06:43.055 But why is that? Why are we so 00:06:43.135 --> 00:06:44.255 uncomfortable 00:06:44.335 --> 00:06:45.535 with being alone, 00:06:46.175 --> 00:06:48.895 with being with our thoughts, with being with our feelings? 00:06:49.160 --> 00:06:51.400 Because when we stop distracting ourselves, 00:06:51.640 --> 00:06:54.760 we come in contact with what's lying underneath the surface. 00:06:55.320 --> 00:06:56.120 Well, 00:06:56.920 --> 00:07:03.560 what's lying underneath the surface that we're trying to run from? A few different things. Number one, a lot of people have unprocessed 00:07:03.560 --> 00:07:03.960 emotions. 00:07:04.415 --> 00:07:05.295 Grief, 00:07:05.615 --> 00:07:06.335 anger, 00:07:06.495 --> 00:07:07.535 resentment, 00:07:08.015 --> 00:07:08.815 guilt, 00:07:09.135 --> 00:07:10.015 regret. 00:07:11.455 --> 00:07:23.990 Second thing, a lot of people have really deep seated fears that they're running from and they're trying not to come in contact with. The fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of other people's opinions, fear of running out of money, fear of not being worthy. 00:07:24.550 --> 00:07:28.070 The third thing, a lot of us have very unmet needs or desires. 00:07:28.965 --> 00:07:34.325 So when you're quiet, you realize, oh my god. I don't like the path that I'm on in my life. 00:07:34.725 --> 00:07:38.085 Or we just sit there and we're like, I feel completely unfulfilled. 00:07:38.405 --> 00:07:40.245 Or you're sitting there like, I wonder 00:07:40.645 --> 00:07:42.485 I wonder if I'll be alone forever. 00:07:43.670 --> 00:07:52.310 My god. It's so much easier to keep yourself distracted than to go in those thoughts, isn't it? The fourth thing people have, a lot of negative self talk and limiting beliefs that come up. 00:07:52.870 --> 00:07:58.710 Oh, I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm such a loser. I'll never make anything of my life. I don't deserve happiness. 00:07:59.805 --> 00:08:03.245 The only way that I'm valuable is I keep busy and keep productive. 00:08:03.805 --> 00:08:04.925 And then the fifth thing, 00:08:05.485 --> 00:08:13.325 when you get past all of those things, all of the the fears and the limiting beliefs and the desires and negative self talk and the unprocessed emotions, 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:17.600 then you get, like, deep existential questions. 00:08:18.160 --> 00:08:19.440 What's my purpose? 00:08:20.640 --> 00:08:21.920 Why am I here? 00:08:22.400 --> 00:08:25.040 Am I truly living, or am I just existing? 00:08:25.520 --> 00:08:39.535 And so most people don't wanna come in contact with all of those things that are just bubbling under the surface. So what do they do? They wanna keep busy by being around other people. They wanna keep busy by being on their phones. They wanna keep busy by by watching Netflix and watching other stuff and whatever 00:08:40.050 --> 00:08:45.890 new app pops up on my Samsung TV for me to try to take my attention away from myself. 00:08:46.370 --> 00:08:50.210 Right? But what if we looked at time alone 00:08:50.450 --> 00:08:51.730 as an invitation 00:08:51.970 --> 00:08:59.545 to listen to our own thoughts without outside influence, to get to know ourself a little bit more, an invitation to 00:08:59.625 --> 00:09:00.425 discover 00:09:00.745 --> 00:09:07.305 what we actually enjoy rather than what we've been conditioned and told we should enjoy. Maybe an invitation to 00:09:07.850 --> 00:09:09.610 be present with ourselves, 00:09:09.850 --> 00:09:11.530 to learn who we truly are. 00:09:12.170 --> 00:09:13.210 Solitude 00:09:13.210 --> 00:09:24.075 is the only real place where self awareness can grow. Now you can grow by by seeing how you interact with other people, then but when you take time and you're alone, you get to really deconstruct 00:09:24.075 --> 00:09:28.875 the way that everything happened when you were talking to that person, the way they reacted to that person. So solitude 00:09:28.875 --> 00:09:32.795 is where self awareness really grows. You can reframe it as an opportunity 00:09:32.875 --> 00:09:34.395 instead of something to avoid, 00:09:35.050 --> 00:09:36.490 everything really changes. 00:09:37.050 --> 00:09:41.450 So instead of saying, oh my god. I'm so bored and trying to avoid boredom, 00:09:41.690 --> 00:09:45.370 what if you stopped calling it boredom and you just called it relaxing? 00:09:45.770 --> 00:09:49.130 You're relaxing your mind. You're relaxing your nervous system. 00:09:49.725 --> 00:09:53.245 You can't be go go go go go every single second. 00:09:53.565 --> 00:09:56.925 And this is the the really key part. I really want you to understand this. 00:09:57.325 --> 00:10:01.085 A lot of loneliness is not about lacking the company of other people. 00:10:02.010 --> 00:10:04.170 It's about not liking the company 00:10:04.490 --> 00:10:06.570 you have when you are alone. 00:10:07.210 --> 00:10:08.250 Do you get that? 00:10:08.650 --> 00:10:10.490 And it's gonna sting for a lot of people. 00:10:11.210 --> 00:10:14.890 It's about not liking the company that you have when you're alone. You. 00:10:15.595 --> 00:10:19.675 A lot of people don't like the company they have when they're alone, 00:10:20.395 --> 00:10:22.715 and that has to be healed. 00:10:23.195 --> 00:10:31.230 You cannot ignore it and try to avoid it. You are the person that you will spend more time with than anybody else alive. 00:10:31.710 --> 00:10:40.830 And if that hits a nerve, stay with me. Think about this. When was the last time you really sat in silence and felt deep peace within yourself? 00:10:42.190 --> 00:10:43.150 I'll wait. 00:10:43.870 --> 00:10:55.415 When was the last time that you sat in silence and just felt deep complete peace within yourself? Not being distracted by your phone, not numbing yourself with your TV, just you sitting 00:10:55.495 --> 00:10:56.535 with your thoughts. 00:10:57.175 --> 00:10:58.055 For many people, 00:10:59.180 --> 00:11:00.380 it's terrifying. 00:11:00.940 --> 00:11:04.540 But why is that? Because when we stop distracting ourselves, 00:11:04.700 --> 00:11:11.580 all of the things that we just spoke about a minute ago, all the buried emotions and thoughts and feelings and unresolved pain comes to the surface. 00:11:12.205 --> 00:11:15.165 It's sitting there. It's just waiting for it to have some space. 00:11:15.965 --> 00:11:17.245 But here's the thing though. 00:11:17.645 --> 00:11:22.605 That coming to the surface is not a bad thing. It's an opening. It is your chance to heal. 00:11:23.085 --> 00:11:25.645 This is how you heal more than anything else. 00:11:26.900 --> 00:11:34.740 And so what you really start to do as you spend more time alone is you really actually start to rebuild your relationship with yourself. You start to notice 00:11:35.060 --> 00:11:35.700 this 00:11:35.940 --> 00:11:45.605 inner dialogue that's happening behind the scenes all the time. Do you get to pay attention to how you talk to yourself when you're alone? Are you kind, 00:11:46.725 --> 00:11:48.805 or do you criticize yourself constantly? 00:11:49.125 --> 00:11:52.805 Do you guilt yourself and shame yourself and, you know, beat yourself up? 00:11:54.220 --> 00:11:59.500 So what could you do? Well, one thing that you could do is, if you wanna keep yourself a little bit busy, 00:11:59.980 --> 00:12:01.100 write to yourself. 00:12:01.420 --> 00:12:04.140 You can write a letter to yourself. You could journal. 00:12:04.300 --> 00:12:10.805 Journaling isn't about just, you know, dear diary or about doodling or making pretty pages. It's about honesty. 00:12:11.845 --> 00:12:17.765 Write to yourself. Write a letter to yourself. Put your thoughts on a piece of paper. Ask yourself how you're really doing. 00:12:18.850 --> 00:12:22.450 How are you really doing? And then give yourself a minute to answer that. 00:12:22.930 --> 00:12:28.050 You can also just sit in stillness. Start with five minutes a day. No distractions. 00:12:28.050 --> 00:12:29.010 Just being. 00:12:29.170 --> 00:12:39.765 Notice what comes up. Get curious instead of judging. This morning was was a perfect example for me because we went to bed really early last night, so I woke up before Lauren and the baby den. 00:12:40.085 --> 00:12:43.765 I had an extra hour to myself, and I went outside the back porch. 00:12:44.280 --> 00:12:49.560 It was a little bit cold, so I put a blanket over myself, and I just sat there and closed my eyes. And for, like, twenty minutes, 00:12:49.960 --> 00:12:50.600 I 00:12:51.000 --> 00:13:07.575 just simply meditated, and I breathe. And since the baby's been born, I haven't gotten many of those moments. Not in the morning at least. I usually try to find them throughout the day, little pockets of time where I can do breathing or breath work, but not many of them happen in the morning because usually he is my alarm more than anything else. 00:13:08.055 --> 00:13:09.895 And so just sit in stillness. 00:13:10.055 --> 00:13:10.455 Quiet. 00:13:12.060 --> 00:13:13.260 Be with yourself. 00:13:13.580 --> 00:13:15.580 Start to enjoy your own company. 00:13:15.820 --> 00:13:24.695 And science backs up that this is important. There's a study that was published in psychological science in 2016 that found out that self reflection through meditation 00:13:24.775 --> 00:13:28.615 or through journaling or through just being alone with yourself, 00:13:29.175 --> 00:13:30.935 when you do it constructively, 00:13:31.015 --> 00:13:34.295 improves your mental and emotional regulation, 00:13:34.695 --> 00:13:41.840 and it helps with your own personal self compassion. Because as you start to spend more time with yourself, you start to go, you know what? 00:13:42.320 --> 00:13:50.160 I was a little bit hard on you then. I know that you were doing your best. I know that I I I can be a little bit hard. I'm sorry. I love you. And you're starting to talk to yourself. 00:13:50.825 --> 00:13:59.865 So you're having more self compassion. You're getting better at it. So one of the biggest things that that you can do to help yourself with this is to realize 00:13:59.945 --> 00:14:13.950 that you're gonna have some more time with yourself, and you're gonna learn to enjoy your own company. One of the biggest reasons why people feel lonely is because they feel like they don't know themself. They don't know what they're doing. They don't know what they're doing with their life. They feel like they're purposeless. 00:14:14.430 --> 00:14:19.425 You know, when you lack direction, solitude feels like this endless void because you're like, what the am I doing here? 00:14:19.905 --> 00:14:23.985 So what if we shift the shift the focus a little bit to, you know, instead of 00:14:24.705 --> 00:14:28.145 being alone, what if you were alone with purpose? 00:14:28.865 --> 00:14:39.620 Being alone and doing nothing is what we're shooting for, but for some of you guys, you're like, I don't know. That seems like it's too far off, Rob. I don't know if I can do that yet. So what if we took kind of a step in the right direction? 00:14:40.420 --> 00:14:48.275 Right? What if you could try this out? Pick something that's meaningful to you. Maybe it's a a creative project. 00:14:48.595 --> 00:15:12.250 Maybe it's a book that you bought six months ago and you haven't even cracked open. You've been really wanting to read it. Maybe there's a skill that you've been wanting to learn in some sort of way. So instead of going straight to just, oh my god. I'm gonna be alone with with no external stimuli, that might be that might be, like, cold turkey for a lot of you guys. It might be hard. A step in the right direction would be, like, dedicate your alone time to building 00:15:12.250 --> 00:15:13.850 rather than just staring at a wall. 00:15:14.675 --> 00:15:16.915 You know, just kinda take a step in the right direction. 00:15:17.475 --> 00:15:18.115 Make 00:15:18.355 --> 00:15:21.235 your solid two kind of like a space for creation, 00:15:21.635 --> 00:15:26.275 not just contemplation. I do think that you should have quiet time of literally no 00:15:26.435 --> 00:15:35.860 external stimulation. I do believe in that. But step in the right direction could be like, hey. I'm just gonna spend time alone doing stuff with myself. Not scrolling on Instagram, 00:15:35.940 --> 00:15:38.980 not being on TikTok, not being entertained 00:15:39.140 --> 00:15:43.300 passively by just looking at a screen like a TV or a phone, 00:15:44.105 --> 00:15:45.705 but, like, you know what? 00:15:46.345 --> 00:15:49.945 I'm gonna do something that means something to me alone. 00:15:50.505 --> 00:15:51.945 Right? Purpose 00:15:51.945 --> 00:15:56.825 makes solitude feel full rather than empty for a lot of people. It also 00:15:57.305 --> 00:16:06.380 makes you really understand that there's been a lot of research that's been done around this that have found that people who engage in meaningful activities alone there was a study that was done in the journal happiness, 00:16:06.700 --> 00:16:11.100 and they found out that people that do these things in in meaningful activities alone, 00:16:11.885 --> 00:16:14.525 whether it's writing or painting 00:16:14.525 --> 00:16:17.165 or exercising or playing an instrument, 00:16:17.645 --> 00:16:20.205 higher levels of life satisfaction 00:16:20.525 --> 00:16:22.445 and lower levels of loneliness. 00:16:22.925 --> 00:16:28.690 And so if you can't just go to doing nothing, maybe a step in the right direction is like being alone with purpose. 00:16:29.410 --> 00:16:38.690 And so really what this is all about is becoming your own best companion. You will spend more time with yourself than anyone else that you will ever meet in your entire life. 00:16:39.485 --> 00:16:42.365 Just the way that's gonna go. That relationship, 00:16:42.365 --> 00:16:46.925 like any really important close relationship in your life, deserves attention, 00:16:47.165 --> 00:16:49.645 it deserves care, and it deserves love. 00:16:50.445 --> 00:16:51.645 So loneliness 00:16:52.570 --> 00:16:54.810 isn't solved by more people. 00:16:55.770 --> 00:16:57.850 It's solved by a deeper connection 00:16:58.330 --> 00:16:59.530 to yourself, 00:16:59.610 --> 00:17:00.730 to your purpose, 00:17:01.210 --> 00:17:03.450 to what you want to do, 00:17:04.170 --> 00:17:05.290 and to the world in ways 00:17:05.895 --> 00:17:13.655 meaningful to you. So next time you find yourself alone, don't rush to fill the silence or get your phone or be around other people. Just 00:17:14.295 --> 00:17:16.695 take a deep breath. Just sit in it for a second. 00:17:17.015 --> 00:17:40.915 Embrace it and learn from it because solitude when you truly use it is one of life's greatest teachers. Hey. Thanks so much for watching this video. Based off of what you've been watching on YouTube recently, YouTube thinks out of all of the videos I've ever created, this one is the one that's gonna impact you the most. So click this one, and if you wanna make sure to never miss another episode and another video, click this button right here, and I'll see you on the next one.