WEBVTT 00:00:36.390 --> 00:00:39.990 Thank you guys very much. Thank you for being here. Thanks for coming to my house. You guys feeling good? 00:00:42.165 --> 00:00:45.525 Good to see everybody. I'm Dane Cook. Thanks for being here tonight. This is 00:00:49.285 --> 00:00:53.765 this is, uh, this is my house. This 00:00:53.765 --> 00:00:57.125 is, uh, my actual house. I know some of you guys are like, that's not his fucking house. 00:00:58.620 --> 00:01:01.980 But this is my house. Good luck Chuck did very well. That's all I'm gonna say. Okay? 00:01:02.540 --> 00:01:05.740 Yeah. Fuck Rotten Tomatoes. This shit bought me a house. I 00:01:05.980 --> 00:01:10.940 know. 35% splat? No. 35% mortgage paid. Trust me. It's 00:01:14.295 --> 00:01:19.655 before we keep going, anybody have any questions about what's happening right now? What are your names? Robert 00:01:20.055 --> 00:01:22.295 and Deanna. Robert and Deanna. 00:01:22.615 --> 00:01:25.975 How long you guys been together? Over a year. Over a year. Yeah. 00:01:26.820 --> 00:01:28.500 Or two years? He said 00:01:29.060 --> 00:01:31.060 said over over that's 00:01:31.060 --> 00:01:32.260 kind of a wide 00:01:32.500 --> 00:01:34.020 you missed, you know? 00:01:35.220 --> 00:01:37.540 A year, two years. Let's just call it five years. 00:01:39.455 --> 00:01:44.175 Did you guys meet in real life? Did you meet through some kind of online situation? Talk to me. You're at my house. Let's just 00:01:45.295 --> 00:01:53.960 We met in real life. You met in real life? And did you get it? Like, when you met him a thing happens with women that I've I I'm trying to understand. Like like, 00:01:53.960 --> 00:01:59.800 you kinda know. There's some I don't know what if it's what is it? Like, pheromones or does, your pussy tingle? 00:02:00.520 --> 00:02:02.920 Did it, like, buzz in your panties? 00:02:03.480 --> 00:02:05.720 Right? You kinda butterflies came out of your vagina. 00:02:10.655 --> 00:02:19.855 Right? Did you just you you knew something right away like, oh, wow. I wanna I wanna hang with this guy. Yeah? And so how's it been? You could be honest. Let's figure it out right now. Okay? You're either leaving together? 00:02:20.895 --> 00:02:28.160 Yeah. It's been great? Yeah? Okay. So here's what I wanna ask you guys, and you gotta be honest for all of us tonight. This is an evening about truths. 00:02:28.160 --> 00:02:29.120 Okay? You 00:02:30.240 --> 00:02:32.720 fight from time to time? Yes. Let's talk about that. 00:02:35.225 --> 00:02:38.265 Let's talk about that. And when you fight, do 00:02:39.865 --> 00:02:41.465 your fights escalate, 00:02:41.945 --> 00:02:45.305 or do they stay pretty, like, even keel where it's just kinda like Right? 00:02:47.065 --> 00:02:51.230 But is it you know, sometimes it'll, like I got a neighbor, like, right over here, and, man, she's a bitch. 00:02:51.710 --> 00:02:54.350 She's probably listening to the show right now. You're loud. 00:02:54.910 --> 00:02:58.030 She's always fucking yapping. She just wants to out yell. 00:02:58.670 --> 00:03:00.270 I didn't even invite her to the show. 00:03:01.870 --> 00:03:02.670 I'm kidding. 00:03:03.215 --> 00:03:05.055 I'll bring you a meringue. 00:03:06.975 --> 00:03:07.855 So 00:03:09.215 --> 00:03:10.815 I've been dealing with a stalker 00:03:15.610 --> 00:03:19.850 And it was legit. Okay? I don't I cannot even fathom 00:03:19.930 --> 00:03:21.450 how I found myself 00:03:21.930 --> 00:03:26.490 in this situation, but I did. I started getting about a year ago thousands of 00:03:27.050 --> 00:03:27.690 DMs 00:03:28.475 --> 00:03:38.955 on Instagram. You know, DMs, direct messages. It's like text that you can send to whoever allows them to be accessed. And I always keep it open to my fans and people write me stuff all the time. I love it. 00:03:39.435 --> 00:03:42.795 Throwback a hello or whatever. Every once in while, I get stuff that's a 00:03:43.410 --> 00:03:49.330 little off kilter. Somebody has a bleached asshole picture and they send it to me thinking I maybe that's what I'm in the mood for. 00:03:55.730 --> 00:03:59.810 But I noticed about a year ago that I started getting 00:04:00.185 --> 00:04:01.225 thousands 00:04:01.465 --> 00:04:13.225 of messages from this one woman's account. And when I really investigated, I I was like, oh, wow. I remember I was sitting there. I was like, well, she has sent me a a message every minute of every day. 00:04:13.625 --> 00:04:14.665 Every minute. 00:04:15.140 --> 00:04:17.220 Oh, look. 10:42AM. 00:04:17.220 --> 00:04:18.900 Where you at, baby? 00:04:20.980 --> 00:04:22.660 10:43AM. 00:04:22.660 --> 00:04:30.660 Been looking all over for you, babe. You know, baby with, like, 15 a's? That's Babby, by the way. But fuck it. That's not 00:04:34.345 --> 00:04:40.025 And so I would look, and then finally it was like, you know, like 04:14AM, 00:04:40.025 --> 00:04:42.665 she would be, where the fuck are you, Dane Cook? 00:04:44.600 --> 00:04:46.440 I'm looking for Dane Cook. 00:04:46.600 --> 00:04:48.120 And they got increasingly 00:04:48.200 --> 00:04:50.680 more and more off kilter. Strange. 00:04:51.480 --> 00:05:10.755 So over the course of a couple of weeks, they got then they were, like, all capital letters. And then it just turned into, like I couldn't even really make out what she was getting at. And it just kept going on, like, rambles and rambles. And I was sitting at lunch, uh, with a friend, and I finally said, you gotta see all these every minute. And my buddy goes, you she sent a video. And one of the luteurs, she sent me a video. 00:05:11.315 --> 00:05:12.755 And I was like, I gotta know. 00:05:14.170 --> 00:05:17.370 You know, sometimes when you hit play on a video before it catches the 00:05:17.770 --> 00:05:18.570 WiFi, 00:05:18.650 --> 00:05:25.290 there's that moment where it's it's gotta find the signal. So whatever the video is, it's just frozen on one still. It was her face, and she was like this. 00:05:28.735 --> 00:05:36.575 And it just stayed like that for a second. And I wanna be, again, really straightforward about how I felt about everything that I experienced. When I saw this video 00:05:36.975 --> 00:05:39.295 and I saw her face, she was very, very ugly. 00:05:40.700 --> 00:05:43.420 She had a horribly ugly fucking face. 00:05:43.820 --> 00:05:45.820 She looked like a rock with makeup on. 00:05:46.220 --> 00:06:05.675 And the video plays, and she's screaming and pacing. She goes, where the fuck are you, Dane Cook? I wanna know where Dane Cook is and why the fuck you won't call me back. You need to fucking call me back, Dean Cook. She's seething. She's spitting onto the camera. It's so fucking loud, screaming wherever she was. I know people must have been and she's, you're gonna fucking call me. And then it ends. 00:06:08.700 --> 00:06:15.180 I'm sitting there. I almost I was like, I never had had anybody yell at me like this my whole life. I never had anybody 00:06:15.980 --> 00:06:19.420 yell at me and scream at me like that. It was so unsettling. 00:06:19.500 --> 00:06:22.915 And as I was trying to really figure out what 00:06:23.235 --> 00:06:26.115 would have made her so upset, I looked down. She sent me another video. 00:06:26.595 --> 00:06:30.515 And in the second video, she was crying. She was wiping tears. She goes, this isn't me. 00:06:30.835 --> 00:06:31.395 This 00:06:32.275 --> 00:06:36.940 isn't me. This isn't us. She said that. She said, this isn't me. This isn't us. 00:06:39.180 --> 00:06:41.020 And she just she was weeping, 00:06:41.500 --> 00:06:44.460 and she looked so sad. She looked so downtrodden. She's 00:06:45.500 --> 00:06:45.980 It 00:06:46.620 --> 00:06:54.645 pulled you into that same level of emotion. Right? I found myself you know what? I'm gonna cry a lot, so the plane will go by. So it'll be a lot of crying. Ready to watch this. 00:06:59.685 --> 00:07:02.885 I get to see Marty, my director. He's going like this, and if I stretch, 00:07:03.400 --> 00:07:06.120 let that fucking aircraft go by. 00:07:07.080 --> 00:07:09.560 We'll just get some extra crying. We'll cut around. Trust me. 00:07:10.520 --> 00:07:12.120 I did my best. 00:07:12.520 --> 00:07:19.365 I did my best. That's a callback to Vicious Circle. That's for you, Marty. Okay. The plane's gone. Let's keep going. Going. Here we go. 00:07:20.085 --> 00:07:21.765 Anyway, shut up. Ready? 00:07:23.285 --> 00:07:25.205 Do what you were doing before. Okay? 00:07:25.765 --> 00:07:27.925 Get in that same mindset. So 00:07:32.405 --> 00:07:33.365 she was very sad. 00:07:35.340 --> 00:07:44.380 And that in turn, it made me emotional. So as she was crying so hard that I I was almost mirroring, but I didn't know was like, I was watching like that. I'm not crying, 00:07:44.620 --> 00:07:47.420 but something, you know, I'm like, I'm in it with her. 00:07:47.900 --> 00:07:48.700 The video ends. 00:07:49.705 --> 00:07:53.945 Eleven minutes later, she sends me another video and fuck, yes, I'm playing it. 00:07:54.665 --> 00:07:59.145 I need to know what what emotion is next on the seven levels of grief that I'm receiving. 00:08:00.745 --> 00:08:05.390 When I hit play on the third video, this woman who'd gone from being so 00:08:05.630 --> 00:08:08.110 irate, over the top, furious anger 00:08:08.670 --> 00:08:10.110 to then being so 00:08:10.430 --> 00:08:15.230 despondent and sullen and low in the third video, she was just staring. 00:08:17.230 --> 00:08:21.155 Just staring. Just staring into the nothing. No emotion. Staring and breathing like the 00:08:28.115 --> 00:08:30.515 And I'm watching and I'm staring. I'm I'm breathing as well. I'm just 00:08:36.670 --> 00:08:40.750 And then she did something that I'll never not see. I'll never get this image 00:08:41.230 --> 00:08:46.590 out of my mind for the rest of my life. She looked a little bit closer into the camera and her eyes went a little wide 00:08:47.145 --> 00:08:48.745 and then she ate almonds. 00:08:51.625 --> 00:08:53.625 Oh, I watched the whole fucking video. 00:08:54.105 --> 00:08:55.465 I was transfixed. 00:08:55.465 --> 00:08:58.025 I actually counted. She put nine almonds. 00:08:58.665 --> 00:09:01.065 Nine almonds in her mouth, and then she never chewed. 00:09:02.260 --> 00:09:08.660 Never chewed. I challenge you to go home tonight. Put nine goddamn almonds in your mouth and don't chew. What the fuck, lady? 00:09:12.740 --> 00:09:14.020 The the video ends, 00:09:14.515 --> 00:09:19.795 and I I didn't even know where I'm at with this. I'm just like that Wow. This is all This is a very 00:09:20.755 --> 00:09:33.110 strange individual, but I wasn't scared. Why wasn't I scared? Because part of me was like, you know what? I was a little concerned, but I was like, she doesn't know where I am. And who knows where she is in the world? And then a week later, I get a video, and she's scanning the LA skyline. 00:09:34.870 --> 00:09:40.390 Scanning the whole skyline, and then she slowly turns to the camera. And she goes, look at she goes, getting close. 00:09:40.765 --> 00:09:42.445 Yeah. 00:09:42.845 --> 00:09:46.365 And I said to the camera, you fucking are. You are getting close. I live here. 00:09:47.805 --> 00:09:53.005 And then everything switched up at that moment. And and and that's when I I was like, well, I'm being stalked. I'm being hunted. 00:09:55.050 --> 00:09:56.730 I'm glad you can laugh. So 00:10:00.250 --> 00:10:19.105 I I honestly, I was so screwed up by it. And then I remember a couple nights later, I I had a night where I was just gonna come back to the place and I I was gonna like, know, I'm just gonna try relax. I'm I'm not doing any shows locally tonight. And I remember as I, uh, came up around the corner, I was just about to go into my garage and then I see a car parked 00:10:19.265 --> 00:10:20.545 right in front of my house. 00:10:21.185 --> 00:10:24.545 And I say out loud to myself, I go, that car doesn't belong in this neighborhood. 00:10:26.120 --> 00:10:27.640 What is that? An o eight? 00:10:33.960 --> 00:10:45.165 No. I knew it was her, and I was terrified. So what did I do? I drove into my garage the fastest you can legally drive into your own garage. And then I ran up into the house, and I remember as I ran up, I I checked the DMs, 00:10:45.165 --> 00:10:52.685 and she was already sending me messages from outside of the house. She goes, I saw you go in your fucking garage. You need to come outside right now and bring me a banana. 00:10:54.045 --> 00:10:55.885 Oh, yeah. Demanding fruit immediately. 00:10:57.380 --> 00:10:59.060 This crazy ugly lady. 00:11:00.740 --> 00:11:07.620 Then I have a camera at my front door, I checked the screen. When I checked, she was in the street, and she was walking back and forth, 00:11:08.260 --> 00:11:11.220 and she was staring up at my house like she wanted to fight my house. 00:11:14.385 --> 00:11:17.345 So I'm I'm kerfuffle as fuck. I don't know. 00:11:18.065 --> 00:11:20.385 You have to understand, I've never had anything 00:11:21.025 --> 00:11:22.865 like this happen for the rest of the night. 00:11:24.240 --> 00:11:27.520 I was just so concerned, and I kept hoping she would just go away. 00:11:27.920 --> 00:11:34.480 Every time I'd look out there, she was still there. Midnight, she's still there. And two in the morning, she's still there. I'm in bed. I can't sleep. 00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:40.065 I'm in the bed. I keep checking the DMs. And finally, at 02:30AM, she sends me a video. 00:11:41.105 --> 00:11:45.025 So I hit play. I turn it all the way down. She's too close. 00:11:47.265 --> 00:11:54.160 And she's standing at my front door. She's standing with her back against my door, and she looks into the camera, and she said, almost inaudible, 00:11:54.160 --> 00:11:57.200 it was so just the slightest 00:11:57.200 --> 00:11:58.240 half of a whisper, 00:12:01.465 --> 00:12:03.225 You made me do this. 00:12:04.185 --> 00:12:05.065 And 00:12:06.425 --> 00:12:08.025 then she looked a little closer, 00:12:08.665 --> 00:12:10.665 and she shaved her fucking eyebrows 00:12:11.465 --> 00:12:12.345 off. 00:12:12.905 --> 00:12:13.545 Yeah. Trick. 00:12:22.320 --> 00:12:23.840 Both eyebrows 00:12:23.920 --> 00:12:24.800 off. 00:12:25.600 --> 00:12:27.520 Off. Choke like a fucking goose. 00:12:28.560 --> 00:12:30.480 Yeah. Like a heinous goose 00:12:31.040 --> 00:12:31.840 at my door. 00:12:34.205 --> 00:12:34.925 And I'm 00:12:35.965 --> 00:12:37.085 I can't sleep. 00:12:37.565 --> 00:12:41.805 I slept like a little bit and when I woke woke up, I immediately looked at the camera. She's still outside. 00:12:42.445 --> 00:12:45.005 We're gonna call this part of the story day two. 00:12:47.005 --> 00:12:49.420 Day two, she's out there all day. 00:12:50.060 --> 00:12:52.460 And I'm like, I I I didn't wanna leave. 00:12:53.820 --> 00:12:55.100 All of day two, 00:12:56.300 --> 00:13:02.885 my anxiety hits, like, I'm I never had anything like this since I was maybe, like, a kid. I was really scared. 00:13:03.285 --> 00:13:06.245 And yet at the same time, I was trying to keep myself busy 00:13:06.565 --> 00:13:15.845 because I wanted to check the DMs. I kept like I just wanted to know, like, what her mindset was. And so I and then I finally had to leave the phone 00:13:16.005 --> 00:13:21.250 and just to go into another room to just, you know, try to have a sandwich or just, you know, do something rudimentary. 00:13:21.250 --> 00:13:25.330 And then every once in a while, I'd hear her outside go, check your DMs. 00:13:27.490 --> 00:13:34.505 Yeah. So I would check my DMs, and so would you. If somebody bellowed, check your DMs outside of your residence, you'd check your DMs. Yes. 00:13:37.385 --> 00:13:39.225 All of day two, she's out there. 00:13:40.505 --> 00:13:41.785 Day three, I wake up. 00:13:42.770 --> 00:13:43.810 Still there. 00:13:44.370 --> 00:13:46.770 Call my friend who's a LAPD officer 00:13:47.010 --> 00:13:48.450 for twenty five years. 00:13:48.850 --> 00:13:53.570 And I called him up and I go, hey, man. This is, uh, really disconcerting. I've never 00:13:54.050 --> 00:14:00.015 experienced anything like this. He goes, hold on. Dane Cook, do this. Ready? He goes, Dane Cook, send me everything 00:14:00.255 --> 00:14:10.575 that she has sent you. Send me, uh, video screen captures, whatever it is. Send it over. So I did. I sent my cop friend everything she'd sent me. Forty minutes later, he calls me back before I can even say hello. 00:14:11.260 --> 00:14:14.060 He goes, hey, hey, hey, hey. This is serious, man. 00:14:15.340 --> 00:14:17.820 And I said, I know. That's why I reached out to you. 00:14:18.620 --> 00:14:21.740 That was that was my notion. You're corroborating my ideas. 00:14:21.900 --> 00:14:24.540 I did the detective slew thing on this end of the case. Copy? 00:14:25.955 --> 00:14:28.995 He goes, no, no. You don't realize, man. This is really, really bad. 00:14:29.635 --> 00:14:34.995 And I said, okay. Well, it doesn't feel right, but how do you know it's really, really bad? He goes, how do I know? 00:14:35.475 --> 00:14:46.070 She shaved her fucking eyebrows is how I know. I've been on the force thirty years. Once they shaved the eyebrows, that's it. That's the last bastion of humanity, eyebrows. You got a gun? 00:14:46.950 --> 00:14:49.910 I said, I don't have a gun. He goes, you need a fucking gun, kid. 00:14:51.355 --> 00:15:01.995 He goes, you need a gun. And then now I'm freaked. I'm like, I didn't even know where to like, I how? And I so I said in my comfort, I go, and then there's a a like a permit and there's a a waiting period. He goes, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Fuck all that. 00:15:02.980 --> 00:15:08.020 Get on the Internet. There's a 10 gauge shotgun you can have delivered to your house in five and a half hours. 00:15:08.740 --> 00:15:11.780 Yeah. I was like, somebody the link, officer? 00:15:14.900 --> 00:15:16.580 This is what he says. He goes, now listen. 00:15:17.285 --> 00:15:21.045 He goes, I want you to get this shotgun. I'll never forget this. And he goes, 00:15:21.765 --> 00:15:24.405 I want you to follow my exact protocol 00:15:24.885 --> 00:15:26.885 if you want this to go your way. 00:15:28.645 --> 00:15:31.205 To which I replied, I would like for this to go my way. 00:15:32.060 --> 00:15:37.020 Can we just cover that aspect and maybe not even look at the part where this doesn't go my way? 00:15:38.220 --> 00:15:40.300 He goes, let's say for the first scenario, 00:15:40.780 --> 00:15:41.820 this woman, 00:15:41.980 --> 00:15:44.940 this strange lady gets up on your property from the front. 00:15:46.065 --> 00:15:55.105 He goes, want you to do this and I want you to do it exact. Stand in the doorway about two and a half feet in with a shotgun and I want you to wait and I want you to let her come towards you. Fuck yeah. 00:15:58.480 --> 00:15:59.120 Fuck. No. 00:16:11.355 --> 00:16:20.875 I said, what am I supposed to do in the interim? He goes, if you forget everything else, I just want you to remember one thing, watch her feet. This is what the cop says, watch her feet. 00:16:21.195 --> 00:16:29.950 I said, okay. I'll that, but why am I gonna he goes, doesn't matter. Just watch her feet. Every single time a foot takes a step, I just want you to watch the foot. I don't care if she's doing crazy impersonations. 00:16:29.950 --> 00:16:36.110 Whatever she's doing, whatever her antics are, I want you to watch her feet. Every time a foot takes a step, I want her to watch that 00:16:36.670 --> 00:16:37.310 foot. 00:16:38.110 --> 00:16:43.295 He every time one of her feet touches one of the stairs on the porch, watch the foot touch the step. 00:16:44.015 --> 00:16:48.495 When she gets to the very top step of the porch, I want you to shoot her and fucking kill her. 00:16:50.640 --> 00:16:55.440 Yeah. And then he goes, are you listening? And I was like, I am only fucking listening. 00:16:57.120 --> 00:17:05.920 Am I listening? No. You're on speakerphone and making eggs Benedictine and doing some salsa moves that I learned in eighth grade. No. I'm fucking dialed in, officer. Shoot to kill. Uh-huh. Copy. 00:17:07.515 --> 00:17:15.995 He goes, now this is the important part. Right after you shoot her, before her body even hits the ground, Dean Cook, I want you to cock the gun again, and I want you to 00:17:16.555 --> 00:17:17.915 shoot into the ceiling. 00:17:18.395 --> 00:17:28.740 I said, shoot my own ceiling? He said, yes. I go, I'll do that, but why am I gonna do that? He said, when the police get there, tell them she came at you. You fired a warning shot. She kept coming. You shot her and killed her. 00:17:32.100 --> 00:17:34.180 L a p motherfucking d. 00:17:35.585 --> 00:17:37.105 They are good at bad. 00:17:43.105 --> 00:17:44.305 Fifteen days. 00:17:44.945 --> 00:17:45.985 Yeah. 00:17:47.745 --> 00:17:49.585 Fifteen days she was outside of my house. 00:17:51.070 --> 00:17:54.590 And you're probably wondering what was life like for you, Dane Cook, in those fifteen days. 00:17:54.990 --> 00:18:00.270 Man, I'll tell you a couple things. I got very good at driving in and out of my garage at high rates of speed. 00:18:01.390 --> 00:18:04.110 I'm like Olympic level ready, if that's ever 00:18:04.535 --> 00:18:13.095 a competitive thing. I actually know how high the roof of my car is, and then I put a sticker right there in the garage door so I didn't need to wait for it to all the up. I could just fucking Batman in. 00:18:13.495 --> 00:18:20.890 And then I get in, I hit the door, and I watch it close, and you're scared because we've all seen the movie. Somebody slides under last minute. You're gonna die now. 00:18:21.690 --> 00:18:25.530 So you just like this, close, close, close, close. You're cheering for a door. 00:18:26.170 --> 00:18:27.930 Close, close, close, close. 00:18:32.650 --> 00:18:33.450 Fifteen days. 00:18:34.515 --> 00:18:35.555 Day 15, 00:18:36.755 --> 00:18:38.755 I come up around this corner. 00:18:38.755 --> 00:18:43.395 I'm just about to boogie into the garage like I always did and I quickly look over in the car, gone. 00:18:44.275 --> 00:18:45.155 So I stopped 00:18:46.860 --> 00:18:51.100 and I sat there for a second. And I remember as I was, uh, sitting there, 00:18:51.420 --> 00:18:55.180 I thought to myself, maybe she moved, you know? Maybe she's in a different 00:18:55.580 --> 00:18:58.140 vantage point looking at my property, which is sprawling. 00:19:00.635 --> 00:19:12.315 And and so I closed the garage door and I had to know. So I I was driving around my neighborhood and I'm going block by block and I'm basically stalking my stalker at this point. I was like, where you at, baby? 00:19:16.680 --> 00:19:18.520 And and and nothing. 00:19:18.520 --> 00:19:21.800 Nothing. Can't find her. Then I finally 00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:25.160 come into the house and I checked the DMs. The DMs 00:19:25.240 --> 00:19:30.235 that had been so constant for that year. And then, of course, over the fifteen days, nothing. 00:19:30.715 --> 00:19:32.155 Everything stopped day 00:19:32.635 --> 00:19:33.355 15. 00:19:34.395 --> 00:19:35.515 And I remember 00:19:35.755 --> 00:19:36.955 I was in the house, 00:19:37.355 --> 00:19:46.430 and a couple hours later, I looked at the screen thinking she's gonna be back out there. I was like, she's gonna be back at her spot and is gonna go into the whole thing again. And when I looked out there a couple of hours later, still not there. 00:19:47.710 --> 00:19:50.350 Later on that night, maybe 08:00, I walked over, 00:19:51.310 --> 00:19:52.270 not there. 00:19:52.590 --> 00:19:53.630 No DMs. 00:19:53.870 --> 00:19:56.110 And it was at that point that I remember I finally was like, 00:19:57.525 --> 00:19:58.725 where did she go? 00:20:00.085 --> 00:20:03.205 I mean, I hated when she was out there, but at least I knew where she was. 00:20:03.845 --> 00:20:06.405 This was a new kind of terror that I was experiencing. 00:20:08.085 --> 00:20:09.125 Where'd she go? 00:20:09.445 --> 00:20:14.040 And then a couple hours later, I looked out there again and I had another notion unexpectedly. 00:20:14.040 --> 00:20:14.840 I was like, 00:20:16.840 --> 00:20:18.040 she's a quitter. 00:20:21.320 --> 00:20:23.240 I have no respect for quitters. 00:20:23.720 --> 00:20:25.480 What a fucking loser to quit. 00:20:28.015 --> 00:20:31.375 And then I looked out at midnight, my ego got involved. 00:20:31.855 --> 00:20:37.535 Yeah. I got strangely insecure. I remember looking out there at midnight having this revelation. I was like, oh, 00:20:38.815 --> 00:20:39.295 okay. 00:20:41.460 --> 00:20:44.100 Yeah. What is she at Kevin Hart's house now? 00:20:51.860 --> 00:20:53.220 And then nothing, nothing 00:20:53.460 --> 00:20:54.580 for the longest time. 00:20:55.115 --> 00:21:00.875 And what's so interesting about us being here in this moment that I wanted to capture 00:21:01.195 --> 00:21:02.235 this special, 00:21:02.315 --> 00:21:11.350 she wrote me a little letter. I mean, I thought when I saw the d first of all, when I saw that she dm'd me, when I saw the dm'd, I I was, uh, I was excited and terrified. 00:21:13.190 --> 00:21:22.390 And when I opened it up, I thought it was gonna be like another weird blurb, and then that was gonna turn into chaos, and she'd be back out there. But when I opened it, it was a long message. 00:21:23.165 --> 00:21:27.165 And so I memorized it because I wanted to tell you exactly 00:21:27.565 --> 00:21:32.605 what it said. Here's the letter she wrote to me a few weeks ago. It opens up. It says, um, Dane Cook. 00:21:34.685 --> 00:21:35.325 It says, 00:21:37.090 --> 00:21:38.050 I felt 00:21:38.610 --> 00:21:40.050 a deep need. 00:21:40.690 --> 00:21:46.770 I felt a deep need to reach out to you and explain why I did what I did. I'm so truly embarrassed, 00:21:46.770 --> 00:21:49.090 but I felt you need, uh, an explanation. 00:21:50.685 --> 00:21:54.125 Then she went on to say, uh, I'm a schizophrenic. 00:21:54.605 --> 00:21:56.205 I went off my medication 00:21:56.605 --> 00:21:58.925 and as part of my spin, 00:21:59.165 --> 00:22:01.965 I attached myself to you and the idea 00:22:02.365 --> 00:22:03.805 of being with you. 00:22:04.530 --> 00:22:10.770 She said, in truth, I'm a big fan and I love your stand up and I've seen all your films and and television. I hear you have a big dick. 00:22:12.610 --> 00:22:14.290 Alright. I added that. I added that. 00:22:17.065 --> 00:22:18.025 Then 00:22:18.345 --> 00:22:19.465 she ended the 00:22:19.945 --> 00:22:24.505 letter by saying, I wish you nothing but great success in all your future endeavors. 00:22:24.905 --> 00:22:26.185 Love and light, 00:22:26.425 --> 00:22:27.305 Janice. 00:22:28.425 --> 00:22:29.705 Love and light, Janice. 00:22:32.340 --> 00:22:36.020 You have to understand something. I did not expect closure with this situation. 00:22:37.940 --> 00:22:39.220 But in that moment, 00:22:39.540 --> 00:22:43.940 I felt such empathy and I'm a sensitive guy and I was almost immediately 00:22:43.940 --> 00:22:44.500 responding. 00:22:45.035 --> 00:22:59.595 Yeah. I know that sounds wild, but I was. I was just I was enthused for her. And in that moment, what was I saying? I was throwing some things on there. Was like I was saying like, I'm so glad that you caught this, and I'm sure that your family is happy, that you're healthy and okay. And then I stopped myself and I was like, wait. I got a fucking gun. 00:23:01.070 --> 00:23:04.830 I planned a murder and how to get away with that murder absolutely 00:23:04.830 --> 00:23:05.950 in my favor. 00:23:07.470 --> 00:23:15.950 So this is what I did instead, and I think you're gonna appreciate this even more. I deleted everything that I was gonna write to her, and all I did, I sent her a video of me eating almonds. 00:23:21.305 --> 00:23:24.745 By the way, I'm in love. I just wanna you know, for the record, I'm deeply in love. 00:23:28.425 --> 00:23:32.430 And for a lot of years, I was just a very lonely millionaire, and I did not know 00:23:36.910 --> 00:23:41.870 I would just be lost in the world. Sometimes I would just drive my Lamborghini somewhere and leave it because I was so 00:23:42.830 --> 00:23:45.470 frightened, scared, and alone. I didn't know where I was going in the world. 00:23:46.345 --> 00:23:52.585 And then finally oh, my goodness. I finally meet somebody, and here's the thing. You wanna check five boxes in a relationship. Five things. 00:23:52.825 --> 00:23:58.345 If you meet somebody that offer up these five things, don't let go. Hold on tight. Hold on really tight. Koala bear tight. 00:23:59.100 --> 00:24:12.140 Mindful, thoughtful, compassionate, collaborative, and caring. That's what I have. I'm so fortunate. And if you meet somebody who's mindful, thoughtful, compassionate, collaborative, and caring, don't fuck it up. Okay? And you know what? I'm so happy in my relationship that I made a terrible mistake. 00:24:12.540 --> 00:24:15.015 I was so happy that I was like, know what? I bet I 00:24:15.335 --> 00:24:17.575 bet the Internet's happy for me. I should check. 00:24:19.655 --> 00:24:23.975 Let me see what the Internet is rawr rawr ing about my relationship. 00:24:24.455 --> 00:24:25.575 And so 00:24:25.960 --> 00:24:36.440 I got a I don't Google myself, by the way, ever. I learned this lesson a long time ago. And here's the thing. If I do decide to Google myself, it's because I'm already in a rut. And to me, Googling myself is like cutting. Okay? 00:24:39.925 --> 00:24:44.165 When I Google myself, I'm always like, okay, I'm gonna cringe. 00:24:44.725 --> 00:24:56.930 This is not gonna be easy to take. But I kind of I don't know. I think I felt hopeful that the Internet would be like, oh, wow. That's great. Dane Cook's happy. And I'm happy that he's happy. And so I searched and then, uh, right away, I was crestfallen. 00:24:59.490 --> 00:25:12.965 I should not have done this because the Internet was saying some very, very mean spirited things. And if you're wondering like, why? What what is the problem with, uh, my relationship? Internet doesn't like it because I'm 49, my girlfriend's 23. And 00:25:13.045 --> 00:25:15.045 the Internet was it 00:25:16.325 --> 00:25:31.910 was so it was so, like, completely deranged, some of the things people were saying, that I finally was like, you know what? I gotta talk to my girlfriend about because I really wanna share that I'm feeling this overwhelmingly depressed feeling. So finally, we sat down in the kitchen. She was doing her homework, and I said to her, 00:25:32.950 --> 00:25:34.870 I said, bedtime soon, Betty. 00:25:35.430 --> 00:25:36.870 Let's talk before bed bed. 00:25:42.595 --> 00:25:50.035 I said, baby, I love you. And she said, oh, babe, I love you. I love you. I said, I love you so much. She said, I love you so much. And we were being kinda cheesy. 00:25:50.275 --> 00:25:58.360 And then I got emotional, and I said, you know, I said, I'm so in love with you. And I never said that to a woman in my entire life. I said, I love you or I love you too, but I never told 00:25:58.760 --> 00:26:09.080 a woman, I am so in love with you. And she got even more touched by this, and then I got even a little sappier, and I said, where have you been all my life? And then I remembered she wasn't alive for the first twenty six years of it. 00:26:19.575 --> 00:26:26.710 A guy last night during the taping, a guy last night, he goes, oh, you're robbing the cradle. And I was like, let's relax. She hasn't slept in a cradle in like nine years. 00:26:34.205 --> 00:26:37.485 I get very, uh, I get weird about weddings. 00:26:37.805 --> 00:26:44.125 There's something about weddings. First of I don't do a lot of impersonations. Can I do a very quick one of all of you? I could do all of you at once. Ready? 00:26:44.365 --> 00:26:47.885 This is anybody here getting a wedding invitation in the mail. Ready? 00:26:48.650 --> 00:26:49.290 Fuck. 00:26:53.530 --> 00:26:54.490 When is it? 00:26:55.210 --> 00:26:59.210 You don't even look at who. When? When? What weekend have you stolen from me? 00:26:59.770 --> 00:27:01.530 July 3. That's great. 00:27:02.145 --> 00:27:08.625 July 3. Where is it? Yosemite National Park outside wedding. July 3. That's not gonna be hot as balls. 00:27:09.985 --> 00:27:15.105 Then you don't even know who's getting married because I don't speak calligraphy. What the fuck? Is that a k? A q? 00:27:16.900 --> 00:27:18.100 Who is this? 00:27:21.140 --> 00:27:25.780 Right? And then you go here's the thing. I there's a lot of things that you go to the wedding 00:27:25.780 --> 00:27:30.020 and I there's certain things I don't understand. First of all, the bride and the groom, I don't like the way the 00:27:30.795 --> 00:27:34.395 I hate the way the priest is is standing between them, 00:27:34.635 --> 00:27:38.075 and he's being cryptic. He's saying all the right. Do you? Do you? 00:27:39.355 --> 00:27:41.195 Say what I say. Now you say. 00:27:46.780 --> 00:27:50.460 And then oh my good vows. This always gets me, the vows. 00:27:51.020 --> 00:27:56.620 They're gonna vow things to each other in front of everybody. Okay? Vows. You can't even keep promises 00:27:56.875 --> 00:27:57.995 to yourself. 00:27:58.955 --> 00:28:02.155 You've been saying you're gonna lose 15 pounds for eight years. 00:28:02.955 --> 00:28:06.075 And now you're gonna vow to keep their bullshit dreams afloat? 00:28:12.970 --> 00:28:23.795 And then the vows. Here's the thing about the vows. That they're vowing, and then all of a sudden, for no reason, there's, like, old English in the vows. Right? Thus, onto mine eyes, doth I are we burning a witch? What the fuck just happened? 00:28:24.195 --> 00:28:26.595 What is this language? This code? 00:28:32.035 --> 00:28:41.730 Here's how you know you resent having to go to the wedding in the first place. When the bride and groom, when they come out of the church, if you throw your rice like this, you 00:28:46.850 --> 00:28:48.610 huck that rice at their eyes. 00:28:50.450 --> 00:28:56.985 Here's a fun little prank that you can do. Ready? Stand behind everybody outside of the church. Right? Just be like one of the last people at the very back. 00:28:57.225 --> 00:29:05.510 And then when the bride and groom come out and everybody's all happy and jovial, just not very loud, but just loud enough that you know they hear it, just yell, fuck you. 00:29:08.710 --> 00:29:09.590 The 00:29:09.750 --> 00:29:11.190 reason I wanted 00:29:11.430 --> 00:29:12.150 to 00:29:12.310 --> 00:29:13.750 share this 00:29:13.990 --> 00:29:16.230 this evening with everybody is because 00:29:16.710 --> 00:29:21.115 I feel like um, I'm always looking for that visceral 00:29:21.355 --> 00:29:22.155 reaction. 00:29:22.235 --> 00:29:25.275 Anytime I'm watching something on television, 00:29:25.595 --> 00:29:27.755 I'm waiting for that moment where 00:29:27.755 --> 00:29:38.750 you you have that moment where you emote to nobody. That's when you know something very, very cool is happening. When you're sitting alone and something happens on a program and you look at nobody 00:29:39.310 --> 00:29:41.070 and you're like, this is fucking 00:29:41.310 --> 00:29:44.190 I'm alone. I I wish I had people. This is 00:29:47.355 --> 00:29:52.315 I had, uh, I had a visceral reaction to something that I thought was just so 00:29:52.555 --> 00:30:04.610 cool and and unique. And if you happen to catch this, I think you would agree with me that it was one of the most, uh, unbelievable moments that I I've seen captured on television in years. It was one of those shows like, uh, 2020. 00:30:04.770 --> 00:30:06.210 The the producers 00:30:06.370 --> 00:30:07.890 had a husband and wife, 00:30:08.210 --> 00:30:10.370 and they were sitting on a couch, 00:30:10.530 --> 00:30:23.965 and the producer just wanted the wife she had a shoebox of old photos. They wanted her to take some, uh, pictures out, and she would look and she would smile some pictures. She would look at her husband, and they would, you know, check the photos out there. Like, ten seconds of togetherness 00:30:23.965 --> 00:30:36.220 is really all they needed. The camera would slowly pan by, and the narrator will give us a little backstory on the couple that we're about to meet. And then this is what ended up happening and they the cameras were rolling, mics were on. 00:30:36.540 --> 00:30:47.935 She reaches into the shoebox. She grabs, like, 40 pictures. She starts rifling through. She grabs one. She's very excited. She drops the rest and she launches into a little tirade. She goes, oh, this I love this. This is 00:30:48.255 --> 00:30:57.935 this is one of my favorite memories of all time. This is me when I was four years old. I went to Disney World with my family, my mom, my dad, myself. We had an amazing bonding experience. 00:30:58.260 --> 00:31:00.660 And she was so effervescent and excited 00:31:00.980 --> 00:31:04.500 about the picture that you couldn't help but feel that same enthusiasm. 00:31:04.500 --> 00:31:06.420 In fact, the cameraman was slowly 00:31:06.500 --> 00:31:15.715 moving towards her because she was on this bubbly little tangent, And then it happened very quickly. As they got closer and closer, her husband's head came into the frame. 00:31:16.675 --> 00:31:19.795 All you saw was one incredulous eye. 00:31:20.995 --> 00:31:39.200 And it was unsettling. She didn't know yet. And then without even asking his wife's permission, he just snatched the photo out of her hand. And and she was startled, and then the cameraman didn't know where the picture went, so he trying to land on it. And when it finally did, the guy was staring at the photo, and then he swore on the show and they had to beep it. He goes, holy 00:31:39.920 --> 00:31:40.320 shit. 00:31:41.475 --> 00:31:44.915 And his wife goes, babe, what? He goes, what? 00:31:45.795 --> 00:31:51.635 I went to Disney World with my family when I was four years old. I'm standing right next to you in this picture. 00:31:53.010 --> 00:31:57.170 And they showed the picture close-up, and they were literally standing shoulder to shoulder. 00:31:57.410 --> 00:32:11.005 Both kids were in line waiting for the same ride with their families, and they're all crunched together, and they're cheesing out. And they took the picture, and they go their own way for twenty eight years, meet, get married, find out they have a picture together when they're little kids. I'm 00:32:11.005 --> 00:32:12.925 glad six of you appreciate that. Yeah. 00:32:13.245 --> 00:32:18.045 And the rest of you are what? Sociopaths? What are you? You're all looking at give me something else, Dan. I feel nothing. 00:32:19.850 --> 00:32:21.050 Let 00:32:21.050 --> 00:32:32.810 me qualify it for everybody who may not really understand the weight of that. The only thing that would have made that moment more dynamic and uncanny and incredible is if that couple right after that interview, if they were murdered. 00:32:36.785 --> 00:32:38.385 If they were brutally, 00:32:38.465 --> 00:32:39.345 brutally 00:32:39.665 --> 00:32:40.385 murdered. 00:32:41.425 --> 00:32:44.225 And the guy that killed them was also in the picture 00:32:47.505 --> 00:32:49.105 when he was four years old. 00:32:55.980 --> 00:32:57.260 I love crime. 00:32:57.900 --> 00:32:58.540 I 00:32:59.740 --> 00:33:01.500 love it. I can't stop with the 00:33:02.220 --> 00:33:04.060 Citizen app. I'm always on the Citizen app. 00:33:06.015 --> 00:33:13.615 Citizen app for anybody who doesn't know. So the Citizen app, you can download it and then it knows your it knows your GPS coordinates, knows where you're at. 00:33:14.095 --> 00:33:17.295 And from time to time, it'll send you updates, 00:33:17.455 --> 00:33:18.575 but they're not delightful. 00:33:21.840 --> 00:33:23.840 The updates are quite nefarious. 00:33:24.160 --> 00:33:27.840 Right? And not only did they send an update, they send how far away 00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:34.080 whatever is happening is happening. Couple nights ago, I'm sitting watching TV. I get an update. I looked down 0 00:33:34.080 --> 00:33:37.845 four miles away, Woman brandishing dagger. 00:33:40.725 --> 00:33:44.245 Let's talk about this for a second. First of all, what the fuck is brandishing? 00:33:45.525 --> 00:33:48.485 I feel like it's like threatening but with dance involved. Right? 00:33:49.150 --> 00:33:51.630 I'm brandishing and will kill you. 00:33:53.790 --> 00:33:56.750 0 four miles away, was like, fuck. I could probably get down there. 00:34:01.515 --> 00:34:03.595 I love it. They were doing the updates 00:34:03.675 --> 00:34:08.875 and it was on the news too. Did you see the the smash and grab gang? You saw them. Right? 00:34:09.275 --> 00:34:16.160 There's 20 of them. They all had hammers and apparently, they all got together and they were like, hey, let's just rob everything all the time. 00:34:18.000 --> 00:34:27.120 And so it started a few months ago. The first thing that they did is they took their they took their hammers and they went to I think the first place that they hit was Nordstrom's. 00:34:27.680 --> 00:34:39.755 Right? And you saw the footage. They all ran out and they smashed the plate glass window. And then you see them all. They just run through the store and they're grabbing everything that they can and then they by the way, never even try anything on. Right? They're just so brazen. 00:34:41.115 --> 00:34:43.995 Imagine you you get home and you're like, nothing fits me. 00:34:45.260 --> 00:34:47.580 I ran through the kids aisle. Fuck. 00:34:48.700 --> 00:34:50.300 I can't believe this. 00:34:51.660 --> 00:34:55.580 I've always loved I I just I'm fascinated with criminals 00:34:55.580 --> 00:34:56.620 and crime. 00:34:56.700 --> 00:35:06.005 It's always been the stuff that I'm most interested. Like, you can't not watch Dateline. Dateline to this day is there anything better than a a brand new episode of Dateline? I don't think there is. 00:35:06.885 --> 00:35:12.405 Right? When you're sitting down and you you start first of all, Dateline, even if you're not planning on watching Dateline, 00:35:12.780 --> 00:35:14.540 you're gonna end up watching Dateline. 00:35:15.580 --> 00:35:19.900 Okay. Because there's a couple of things that Dateline, very crafty, that Dateline knows how to do. 00:35:20.460 --> 00:35:24.140 First of all, when the show starts, the moment Dateline begins 00:35:24.300 --> 00:35:26.860 coming out of whatever commercial, they show blood right away. 00:35:28.265 --> 00:35:36.585 Right? They show they show smears of blood. They show flashes of blood, splats of blood, and then the narrator jumps in almost as quickly. There was blood everywhere. 00:35:36.825 --> 00:35:40.025 Blood on the walls. Blood on the floors. 00:35:40.105 --> 00:35:41.785 Blood on the family dog. 00:35:43.560 --> 00:35:49.000 And you're like, woah, woah, blood on the dog. Wait a second. Hold on. Did the killer pet the dog? Did the dog kill people? Wait. 00:35:51.000 --> 00:35:56.840 And then what do they do next? They pull you in a little bit more by giving you a tidbit of the salacious hour 00:35:57.085 --> 00:36:01.405 you're about to experience. Right? They were just married three hours before. 00:36:02.605 --> 00:36:04.685 And you're like, oh, shit. This is serious. 00:36:05.405 --> 00:36:14.260 And then they give the entire episode a title. And the title's fucked up, but perfect. Tonight, I do no. I do want to kill you. Here's Lester Holt. 00:36:22.100 --> 00:36:34.405 I love crime. Oh my goodness. I've watched so many thousands of hours of courtroom dramas. I think I know how to represent myself in a court of law and get away with it. Absolutely. So come along with me. Let's talk about that next. Here we go. First. 00:36:34.805 --> 00:36:35.845 Okay. 00:36:35.845 --> 00:36:38.005 Listen. It's not about guilt. 00:36:38.165 --> 00:36:39.125 It's 00:36:39.125 --> 00:36:40.245 not about innocent. 00:36:40.405 --> 00:36:48.460 It's not about facts. It's not about yes or no or what was right and wrong. It does none of that matters. Okay? The whole deal 00:36:48.780 --> 00:36:49.340 of 00:36:49.660 --> 00:36:51.020 winning in court 00:36:51.100 --> 00:36:52.220 is charisma. 00:36:53.835 --> 00:37:01.355 That's the whole thing. It's all about charisma. I'm telling you right now. That's all you need to do if you wanna win the case. And there's a couple of things that you could do to instantly 00:37:01.595 --> 00:37:04.475 get that jury because you just need one person, one person 00:37:04.715 --> 00:37:07.210 in that jury pool to think you're cool shit. 00:37:08.410 --> 00:37:13.930 If you can't get one person to think that you're somebody they wanna hang with, well, you should go to fucking jail. 00:37:18.730 --> 00:37:19.930 One person 00:37:20.475 --> 00:37:33.755 needs to come up with some reasonable doubt. Okay? That's what we're looking for here. And this is how you're gonna get it. Ready? Very, very simple. This is what you do. You start off like this. First day, you're gonna win the first day. Okay? You're gonna dress up, gussy up real nice, 00:37:34.350 --> 00:37:36.270 and then you're going to 00:37:36.750 --> 00:37:40.910 you're gonna this is juries love this. Ready? You're gonna pace back and forth like this. 00:37:41.390 --> 00:37:42.430 Juries love this. Ready? 00:37:47.175 --> 00:37:51.175 Right. You see this little thing that I'm doing with my finger? This is little pantomime here. You're gonna do this. 00:37:51.975 --> 00:37:57.175 If you ever represent yourself in a court, do this. Pretend there's a tiny little kitten on the end of your digit and you're petting it. 00:38:01.520 --> 00:38:08.320 And all you're gonna do, ready, very sincerely, you're just gonna greet them. That's all. You're just gonna greet the jury. You're just gonna look at everybody. Hello. 00:38:09.440 --> 00:38:10.400 Good morning. 00:38:11.120 --> 00:38:13.040 Good morning. Hi. Good morning. 00:38:14.045 --> 00:38:17.005 Right away, somebody's sitting there going, he wished me good morning. 00:38:17.565 --> 00:38:19.165 That made me feel really nice. 00:38:20.045 --> 00:38:21.405 I believe in this person. 00:38:22.445 --> 00:38:27.410 Now if you're feeling already like, oh, wow. Okay. I'm starting to feel a genuine 00:38:27.490 --> 00:38:33.970 connection with this, uh, jury, then you might wanna go again, don't push it, but you might wanna go with this next. You might wanna go with, um, 00:38:35.490 --> 00:38:37.410 is anybody celebrating a birthday today? 00:38:40.855 --> 00:38:43.495 Next week, happy birthday. Who 00:38:43.575 --> 00:38:45.975 doesn't love to be wished happy birthday? 00:38:46.455 --> 00:38:49.495 Happy birthday. Wish me happy birthday. This guy didn't kill somebody. 00:38:50.535 --> 00:38:52.375 Cared about my birthday greeting. 00:38:52.615 --> 00:38:53.255 This 00:38:53.815 --> 00:38:56.215 will work absolutely 00:38:55.420 --> 00:38:59.420 except for one condition. It will not work if you're fucking ugly. 00:39:00.700 --> 00:39:03.580 If you're ugly, you are going to jail. 00:39:03.740 --> 00:39:04.940 Ugly people 00:39:05.020 --> 00:39:06.140 are guilty. 00:39:06.860 --> 00:39:09.020 If you have a cleft lip, you're done. 00:39:09.595 --> 00:39:11.275 You're going to jail. 00:39:12.875 --> 00:39:15.515 But if you look good, that's innocence right there. 00:39:21.435 --> 00:39:24.555 There's certain things that juries just really 00:39:24.635 --> 00:39:28.210 love. Here's something else that they love. They love when you point at them gently. 00:39:29.810 --> 00:39:31.730 Okay? You're gonna point at them gently 00:39:33.890 --> 00:39:36.050 and then follow your own handout, 00:39:37.010 --> 00:39:40.210 and then you're just gonna ask a very obvious question about America. 00:39:43.925 --> 00:39:46.325 Juries love this. Just like this, you're gonna go, 00:39:49.525 --> 00:39:53.045 do you wanna live in an America where Chick fil A is closed on Sundays? 00:39:54.085 --> 00:39:55.685 Because I sure don't. Justice. 00:39:58.380 --> 00:39:59.180 Justice. 00:39:59.180 --> 00:40:00.140 They 00:40:00.140 --> 00:40:03.020 can't hire some atheists to work the drive through on a Sunday? 00:40:03.340 --> 00:40:04.220 Come on. 00:40:04.460 --> 00:40:05.260 Justice. 00:40:05.580 --> 00:40:06.380 Justice. 00:40:10.995 --> 00:40:12.275 I was, uh, 00:40:13.395 --> 00:40:16.115 I was asked one time if I'd ever 00:40:16.515 --> 00:40:17.955 thought of, um, 00:40:18.595 --> 00:40:19.315 quitting. 00:40:20.435 --> 00:40:24.595 You know, did it ever get, uh, so severe and was I ever in such a, 00:40:25.450 --> 00:40:26.250 you know, 00:40:26.650 --> 00:40:28.490 rut and stand up? 00:40:29.050 --> 00:40:32.010 Because, man, those formative years are just man. 00:40:32.330 --> 00:40:35.530 If I had to go back and do it again, I just I'd do brain surgery. It's like 00:40:36.570 --> 00:40:38.010 it is just so, 00:40:38.170 --> 00:40:38.730 so hard. 00:40:40.255 --> 00:40:50.415 And somebody asked me, he said, do you ever think about quitting? And I was like, yeah. He actually did. I did quit. I only quit one time. In thirty one years, I only fucking quit once. 00:40:51.135 --> 00:40:53.530 Once. And it was for thirty seconds. 00:40:54.570 --> 00:41:03.610 It was for thirty actual seconds. For thirty seconds, I went to an alternate universe and I was like, that's my life. And when I get home, I'm gonna do da da da da and I'm changing and I I really 00:41:03.610 --> 00:41:04.730 committed in that moment 00:41:05.435 --> 00:41:10.715 to letting go of the big dream. I was too scared. I I I was too, you know, encumbered. 00:41:10.715 --> 00:41:13.755 I just so many, you know, issues with anxiety and 00:41:14.715 --> 00:41:24.030 but what brought me to the moment of realizing that I wasn't gonna keep it going is the moment that launched me to everything and then to standing 00:41:24.910 --> 00:41:29.950 right here wearing fucking sneakers that are an homage to my mom in my high school hoodie. 00:41:30.750 --> 00:41:32.190 Thirty seconds 00:41:33.425 --> 00:41:34.945 of complete failure. 00:41:35.425 --> 00:41:37.585 I got hired to do a gig in Florida. 00:41:37.985 --> 00:41:44.065 I'd never been to Florida. I was in Boston. My manager at the time called me and goes, you got a gig in Florida? I said, what the fuck? Am I even funny in Florida? 00:41:45.440 --> 00:41:53.840 And he goes, well, we're gonna find out. This guy saw you at a local college gig. He wants you to come down and do a show. My heart's racing. I was like, what? Oh, wow. I'm going on the road. 00:41:54.400 --> 00:41:56.640 This is where it starts. Oh, my goodness. 00:41:57.040 --> 00:42:02.065 I said, what? Uh, wow. Okay. So where am I going? He goes, the name of the venue is the Rathskeller. 00:42:02.065 --> 00:42:05.025 I go, the Rathskeller. Wow. That sounds pretty gnarly. 00:42:05.505 --> 00:42:12.225 I go, okay. When is it? He goes, well, couple things first. He goes, there's no money. I said, there's no money? He goes, no. There's no budget. 00:42:12.970 --> 00:42:17.690 Nothing. I go, what about a little bit of scratch maybe for a Greyhound bus ticket or coach class? 00:42:18.330 --> 00:42:19.930 He goes, there's nothing at all. 00:42:20.330 --> 00:42:21.050 Zero. 00:42:21.370 --> 00:42:22.570 I said, I'll do it. 00:42:23.530 --> 00:42:30.355 Instantly, I was like, you know what? The profit is exposure. I'll do it. He goes, alright. Good. You gotta start driving right now. The gig is tomorrow night. 00:42:31.555 --> 00:42:41.315 Yeah. So I jumped into my Chevy Cavalier. I got a a 95 south. I get down there and the the guy that I'm meeting, his name was Don. And I remember Don was standing outside of the Ratskuller 00:42:41.315 --> 00:42:47.400 and he was smoking. And as I came towards him, for whatever reason, he just flicked the cigarette towards me and it fucking rocked 00:42:47.400 --> 00:42:50.040 it right past me. Was like, wow, this dude is fucking cool. 00:42:51.160 --> 00:42:53.640 I was like, did he practice that? That was fucking amazing. 00:42:54.375 --> 00:42:55.895 And he blew all the smoke. 00:42:56.215 --> 00:42:59.975 He blew so much smoke, and then he walked through the smoke like Michael Jackson. 00:43:01.095 --> 00:43:08.695 I'd never seen anybody do anything like that. The only thing that could have made it better is that when he came through the smoke, a white tiger fucking jumped out with him. Fuck. 00:43:09.440 --> 00:43:10.960 I wanted to be Don. 00:43:16.080 --> 00:43:19.760 You guys wanna see the joint? I said, yeah. We go in and we look at the rascalar. 00:43:19.920 --> 00:43:24.535 Middle of the day. What am I seeing? Observation mode. Ready? I'm seeing a bar, TVs. 00:43:24.935 --> 00:43:29.575 I'm seeing a nacho machine. I'm seeing arcade games. I see air hockey. 00:43:30.135 --> 00:43:37.840 It's a joint. It's a place where people like to go and commiserate and hang out. And I was like, okay. But then I look around and go, wait a second. Hey, uh, Don, 00:43:39.440 --> 00:43:40.720 where do I perform? 00:43:40.960 --> 00:43:42.400 Where's the stage? 00:43:43.600 --> 00:43:46.560 And he pointed across the room and up, 00:43:47.040 --> 00:43:51.520 which I never seen anybody do that before. Normally, somebody's gonna point to a stage, it's a horizon line point. 00:43:52.365 --> 00:43:54.765 I'd never seen anybody point at space. 00:43:56.525 --> 00:43:59.485 It was unusual. And I when I followed his finger, 00:43:59.885 --> 00:44:07.180 I looked and inside the Rathskeller, there was another little building in the building. And when he pointed at it he goes, you see that hotdog stand? 00:44:07.660 --> 00:44:09.900 I said, yeah. He goes, you're gonna be on the roof. 00:44:10.300 --> 00:44:12.780 I said, I'm gonna be on the roof of the hotdog stand? He goes, yes. 00:44:13.660 --> 00:44:14.540 I said, fuck. 00:44:17.555 --> 00:44:20.835 I said, Don, I would I I didn't even know how I would get up there. 00:44:22.195 --> 00:44:29.715 And he looked at me and he said in a voice that that sounded like information I always should have known. He went, there's a fucking ladder in the back. 00:44:30.940 --> 00:44:35.900 Yeah. Oh. Oh, yes. The Ratskeller hot dog stand ladder in the back. Yeah. 00:44:36.060 --> 00:44:37.020 Yes. So 00:44:39.020 --> 00:44:41.660 I look and I go I said, because dark. 00:44:41.980 --> 00:44:43.660 I said, Don, is it's 00:44:44.335 --> 00:44:47.215 wow. I said, is there lights up there? And he looked at me and he goes, 00:44:47.935 --> 00:44:50.255 you need fucking lights to perform? 00:44:51.535 --> 00:44:54.095 I said, Don, I'm a man of a thousand faces. Yes. 00:44:54.815 --> 00:44:57.055 Or at least a dozen faces at this point. 00:44:57.455 --> 00:44:58.975 I said, I need illumination 00:44:59.270 --> 00:45:01.350 so people can see my behaviors. 00:45:01.910 --> 00:45:03.350 And he goes like this. He goes, 00:45:03.670 --> 00:45:04.390 fuck. 00:45:05.030 --> 00:45:06.390 Fucking bullshit. 00:45:06.390 --> 00:45:07.990 Fuck. Motherfucker. 00:45:07.990 --> 00:45:10.630 And he swore all the way down the hall away from me. 00:45:11.110 --> 00:45:13.670 I could tell he went very far because the fucks got very low. 00:45:14.665 --> 00:45:19.545 And then as I heard the fucks raise up in volume, I thought, Don's returning. 00:45:22.425 --> 00:45:25.625 He comes around the corner. Ready? He hands me a lantern. 00:45:27.830 --> 00:45:30.630 Yeah. Like the cover of a Led Zeppelin album, 00:45:30.870 --> 00:45:31.670 lantern. 00:45:32.310 --> 00:45:33.670 Like a Gandalf. 00:45:35.110 --> 00:45:40.710 He goes, yeah. And I'm so beta at this point. I have no fucking spine. I took it. I was like, this will yeah. This will do. 00:45:41.190 --> 00:45:42.230 Thank you so much, John. 00:45:44.145 --> 00:45:47.265 I was such a little jerk. I didn't just know how to be like, no. 00:45:48.225 --> 00:45:56.465 And then I now I'm a little bit more nervous. I looked back up there. Said, Don, I got I I one more I know you gotta go smoke and do that impressive thing you did, but 00:45:56.970 --> 00:46:00.810 I said, Don, is there a microphone up there? And he goes, 00:46:01.450 --> 00:46:03.050 you need a fucking mic? 00:46:03.610 --> 00:46:08.010 I said, yes. I said, Don, people need to be able to hear my tones and I need to be able to 00:46:08.490 --> 00:46:16.795 mod ulate in different, uh, character modes. Yes. I'd like a microphone. He goes, fucking bitch. Fuck you. Fuck. Fucking bitch. 00:46:16.875 --> 00:46:17.915 Motherfucker. 00:46:19.595 --> 00:46:21.035 And the and the fucks got lower. 00:46:22.720 --> 00:46:25.760 And then as I heard the volume go up on the fucks, I thought, 00:46:27.120 --> 00:46:28.160 Don's returning. 00:46:30.880 --> 00:46:33.760 He comes around the corner. Ready? This is what he hands me. He hands me 00:46:34.160 --> 00:46:35.735 you ever see a Gorilla amp? 00:46:35.975 --> 00:46:43.335 Gorilla amp's like this big. He hands me that and there's a wire coming off it, but it's not a regular mic. It's a it's a lapel mic. 00:46:44.615 --> 00:46:51.280 A lapel mic is when a person goes on a a talk show and they clip on that little mic. He hands me one of those. The clip is broken. 00:46:51.600 --> 00:46:54.000 So it's just a tiny little mic 00:46:54.320 --> 00:46:56.800 that I'm gonna have to hold like a fucking giant, 00:46:56.880 --> 00:46:58.880 like a Lilliputian mic. Hello. Hello. 00:47:00.555 --> 00:47:01.915 Hello. He 00:47:02.075 --> 00:47:03.275 goes, yeah. And I go, 00:47:03.675 --> 00:47:05.195 very good. Yes. I 00:47:07.115 --> 00:47:08.395 said, Don, what time 00:47:08.955 --> 00:47:14.730 does the show begin? And he goes, show's gonna start sometime between eight and eleven, so hang out. 00:47:15.610 --> 00:47:18.010 I was like, 08:11. Perfect. That's my sweet spot. 00:47:18.330 --> 00:47:20.330 I'll be revved eight to eleven. 00:47:22.490 --> 00:47:26.565 Puts me in a back storage closet and there's not even like a green room. 00:47:26.885 --> 00:47:29.845 This is just a fucking place where like they 00:47:30.245 --> 00:47:31.285 put a mop, 00:47:32.405 --> 00:47:37.045 you know, you know, place where they put the mop with the bucket and even empty out the bleach. Bleach is still in there. 00:47:39.740 --> 00:47:40.540 Finally, 00:47:40.940 --> 00:47:42.060 at like 10:30, 00:47:42.140 --> 00:47:44.380 Don comes around the corner and goes, yo, Dan Cook. 00:47:44.620 --> 00:47:50.220 I said, yeah. And he goes, you ready to do it? I said, yeah. And now, it all hit me. I was like, this 00:47:50.700 --> 00:47:54.700 this is where I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna start trying to figure out, you know, where the next 00:47:55.045 --> 00:47:58.805 maybe army of fans that I have. Now I'm walking behind him. 00:47:59.685 --> 00:48:03.605 And I remember I was like, oh, man. I just I was getting, a little bit of flop sweat, you know. 00:48:05.045 --> 00:48:08.165 And then finally, Don stopped in the hallway. He goes, you good? 00:48:09.090 --> 00:48:11.090 I said, yeah. And he goes, I think you're gonna be great. 00:48:11.410 --> 00:48:15.410 I said, Don, I appreciate that. He goes, yeah. Now get the fuck up that ladder and do your shit. 00:48:16.770 --> 00:48:17.490 Wisdom. 00:48:18.850 --> 00:48:30.335 To this day, anytime I'm feeling like I just don't really know how to take next steps or if you feel like you're at a dead end, just remember the words of Dawn. And you know what you do? You get to fuck up that ladder and you do your shit. I 00:48:30.335 --> 00:48:33.055 climbed a ladder like this, a makeshift ladder. 00:48:33.615 --> 00:48:34.175 As 00:48:36.015 --> 00:48:37.135 I'm approaching 00:48:37.135 --> 00:48:43.420 the top of the hot dog stand roof, I'm realizing a couple of things. This is higher than I thought. 00:48:45.420 --> 00:48:48.300 When I was on Rung 11, I was like, woah. 00:48:49.340 --> 00:48:53.260 I maybe it was an optical illusion, but it seemed like it was a smaller 00:48:53.755 --> 00:48:56.795 edifice inside this larger establishment. 00:48:56.795 --> 00:48:59.115 But no. And I'm climbing. I'm sweating. 00:48:59.595 --> 00:49:04.075 I finally get to the very top and I can hear it. I hear before I even get over the cusp of 00:49:04.315 --> 00:49:05.675 the roof hustle 00:49:05.675 --> 00:49:06.875 slash bustle. 00:49:07.280 --> 00:49:08.320 It's packed. 00:49:08.640 --> 00:49:09.840 It's showtime. 00:49:10.080 --> 00:49:13.440 And I climb up and I put one foot, and when I come over the top, 00:49:14.320 --> 00:49:18.320 everybody's moving around. Everybody's moving around. And very, very quickly, 00:49:19.120 --> 00:49:33.765 I'm realizing nobody's sitting like you're sitting. There's no chairs facing this direction. People are milling about everywhere. I'm looking over. Everybody's crowded at the bar, and they're all cheersing, and drinks are going everywhere, the sports highlights are on, and everybody's reacting. And then people are on their arcade games. 00:49:36.600 --> 00:49:44.360 And then people playing air hockey and I can hear that and it and they're hitting that back and forth. Oh shit. Fuck, man. One more game. One more game. And everybody's 00:49:44.520 --> 00:49:49.480 moving around. And I'm like, I've got the little mic and I'm like, hello, hello, hello. 00:49:49.960 --> 00:49:56.775 I'm trying to pull some focus. And as I'm trying to assimilate, I look and then I noticed there's people kind of walking 00:49:57.015 --> 00:50:01.255 towards in a way. But I'm so high up, what I finally do is I I tiptoe 00:50:01.255 --> 00:50:03.015 to the very end of the stand. 00:50:03.810 --> 00:50:07.330 And when I looked down, the hot dog stand was open. 00:50:09.410 --> 00:50:12.930 It was a functioning fucking hot dog stand. 00:50:13.810 --> 00:50:16.530 And one woman, as she walked away with her hot dog, 00:50:17.205 --> 00:50:23.605 noticed and realized I was there. And I heard her, and as I heard her, I watched, she protected her heart. 00:50:24.005 --> 00:50:27.205 And she went, there's a man. There's a man on the hot dog stand. 00:50:27.765 --> 00:50:30.245 Look, there's a man. She protected 00:50:30.245 --> 00:50:30.965 her heart. 00:50:31.550 --> 00:50:33.710 Oh, there's a there's a man right there. 00:50:36.270 --> 00:50:39.550 So I'm desperately, hello, hello, hi guys, hello, nobody. 00:50:40.270 --> 00:50:48.505 And I'm realizing, oh man, I'm I'm losing. I'm losing them. And I search the crowd, and then finally, there was one guy in a crisp white shirt at the very back of the room. 00:50:49.065 --> 00:50:52.745 And I remember he was standing in such a unique position that I had to 00:50:53.305 --> 00:50:55.145 really take it in. He was standing like this, 00:50:56.120 --> 00:50:57.960 and he was watching me. 00:50:58.280 --> 00:50:59.560 He was watching me. 00:51:00.200 --> 00:51:06.440 And when I noticed he was watching me, then I realized he was making a face that I can only describe it as he was almost entertained. 00:51:16.135 --> 00:51:20.215 I said, I'm gonna get him. I'm gonna get this guy, and then by proxy, 00:51:20.695 --> 00:51:36.190 the laughter will spread, and I will have this place rocking and rolling. This is gonna turn into a fun ruckus right now. And I looked at this guy again, and I noticed something the second time I observed that right under where his hand was so uniquely placed, there was a bunch of switches. 00:51:36.510 --> 00:51:38.055 There was, like, 12 00:51:38.295 --> 00:51:53.820 switches. And I quickly deduced those must be the switches to the TVs and the arcade games and the air hockey. If somehow I could communicate with this gentleman to turn the switches off, maybe I could pull everybody in. So I looked at this guy and I pointed like this. I just pointed at him. 00:51:54.380 --> 00:51:56.700 And when I pointed at him, he went like this. 00:51:59.100 --> 00:52:06.940 And once I knew he knew I was pointing at him, then I just went like that. This is it. Point and then I whipped my arm down like that. And he knew 00:52:07.605 --> 00:52:13.365 that this was the international sign for, hey, you should turn all those switches off. 00:52:14.725 --> 00:52:18.325 Because when I did that, he looked at me. Ready? He looked and then he looked at the 00:52:19.765 --> 00:52:21.285 and then he looked back at me. 00:52:21.605 --> 00:52:22.725 He looked at the switches. 00:52:23.550 --> 00:52:40.285 And here's the best part, my favorite part. He didn't just turn them off one at a time. He used his whole forearm and he fucking just shut down the whole fucking mainframe. TV's off. Arcade games off. Air hockey, no more air. Nacho machine's still on. I think it was on a generator. Point is, 00:52:40.525 --> 00:52:41.565 I had control. 00:52:42.365 --> 00:52:47.805 But I didn't because once everything went off, before I could even get a word out, heard one guy go, who the fuck did that? 00:52:48.205 --> 00:52:56.930 Who turned everything off? Who did it? And I heard a woman respond, and I think it was the woman who protected her heart. She goes, it's the man on the hot dog stand. He indicated. 00:53:00.450 --> 00:53:09.745 All of a sudden, in that exact moment, I looked and I saw something coming through the air. It took me one second to realize fucking thousands of hot dogs were coming at me. 00:53:10.705 --> 00:53:17.585 Hot dogs were coming from every angle. One of them just scud missile right past me. One hot dog I remember was and 00:53:17.585 --> 00:53:31.530 then two ricocheted up and they both went past, and then somehow five hit the ceiling and it rained hot dogs down around me. But I got away from all of them, and I remember they kept coming. More and more and more hot dogs. It was 00:53:31.770 --> 00:53:32.730 it was like 00:53:33.265 --> 00:53:38.465 the opening of Saving Private Ryan, but instead of bullets, picture hot dogs. 00:53:38.865 --> 00:53:39.585 Okay? 00:53:40.705 --> 00:53:43.265 I jumped on the ladder and I very quickly 00:53:43.665 --> 00:53:45.665 went down 72 rungs. 00:53:46.625 --> 00:53:50.090 And there was a back door and I remember I found the back door and I pushed 00:53:50.090 --> 00:53:50.810 it open, 00:53:51.130 --> 00:53:56.250 and I ran all the way across the parking lot, and I got into my little used Chevy Cavalier. 00:53:57.450 --> 00:54:02.570 And I was just in that car for a second, and then finally, I just drove away. I got an I 95 North, 00:54:03.785 --> 00:54:06.105 and man, I drove as fast as I could, 00:54:06.825 --> 00:54:09.785 and I was so sad that I had to pull over on the side of the road. 00:54:10.345 --> 00:54:12.825 I couldn't even drive anymore because I was so 00:54:14.105 --> 00:54:15.625 emotional and upset. 00:54:17.540 --> 00:54:19.940 And I was sitting in this little rest stop, 00:54:20.500 --> 00:54:24.180 and I remember I looked at myself in the rearview mirror, 00:54:24.340 --> 00:54:26.580 and I said, you're not funny in Florida. 00:54:30.525 --> 00:54:31.405 Funny 00:54:31.405 --> 00:54:32.365 anywhere, 00:54:33.005 --> 00:54:39.485 you should just quit. And I said it out loud and I'd never fucking let in to not doing this. 00:54:40.445 --> 00:54:44.525 Even though I knew I sucked at everything else in the fucking world. 00:54:45.650 --> 00:54:47.250 But I knew I could do this. 00:54:47.810 --> 00:54:49.410 I said, you should quit. 00:54:49.970 --> 00:54:55.730 And I did. And I was resolved to quit. Right at that moment, I relinquished my power and I said, I'm fucking quitting. 00:54:56.770 --> 00:54:57.890 And I put it in drive, 00:54:58.415 --> 00:55:07.135 and I was already heading towards a new life. In those few seconds, I'm telling you right then, I'd created a ripple and the universe was ready to cooperate. 00:55:07.695 --> 00:55:09.215 And then I fucking jammed 00:55:09.215 --> 00:55:11.295 it back in the park, and I said, I'm not quitting. 00:55:12.730 --> 00:55:13.930 I'm not quitting. 00:55:14.570 --> 00:55:15.930 And it's that moment 00:55:16.170 --> 00:55:18.170 that brings me to this moment tonight. 00:55:18.410 --> 00:55:23.450 And the reason I didn't quit is for that realization that I had there. The reason I didn't quit 00:55:24.010 --> 00:55:26.410 is because not one fucking hot dog hit me. 00:55:31.565 --> 00:55:33.725 I'm Dan Cook. Thank you guys so much. Alright. 00:55:40.125 --> 00:55:41.085 You can all go home now. 00:55:44.820 --> 00:55:48.340 That's a wrap. Thank you guys very much. Appreciate it. Thank 00:55:52.580 --> 00:55:54.500 you. Thanks for coming to my house. 00:55:57.585 --> 00:56:00.065 That's my chopper, guys. I gotta get out of here, really. 00:56:00.545 --> 00:56:02.625 If you could just meet me in the back on the roof. 00:56:05.025 --> 00:56:06.625 It's my neighbor, Tom Cruise. 00:56:06.945 --> 00:56:12.340 He's probably flying himself to set. Carefully, my jump. He's a fun guy. Anyway okay.